THE destination for casual racism and partially researched debate!
You're good guys, so you know that each week I've been helping Masud Milas and Sunil Patel raise the quality of The Late Breakfast, their weekly radio show with some pre-recorded Star Signs.
Have a listen and click the 'Star Signs' tag for more of this filthy boarding school poison.
Tasty and a great honour
Here it is, here's what you've been waiting to see. A tiny little chocolate Bafta that I gobbled down as a treat for all my lifetime of achievement.
Here's a blog I pulled together for the Crying Duck Comedy Halloween Showcase which I'm thrilled to pieces to be performing on. There's a link to tickets at the bottom and Simon Munnery is headlining! Here I look at my top 5 scary things...
A Nasty Piece of Work
Austerity Measures
Some readers of this list may not remember a time before the great crash. Everyone had two cars and there were nuts and berries for everyone. Now we all live in a post-apocalyptic, wifi enabled cave having all our pounds taken and that by Tony Blair. Yeah?
A Cow
Because fear is often context dependent. Sure, in a field your regular bovine is going to seem normal and ripe for a tippin'. But, imagine if you were to wake up in your Zone 2 bedsit and find one of them in your bed. Chilling.
Population Overcrowding
Many years ago, there would have been like 1 or 2 guys stood around a campsite having a stress-free time. Nowadays, the field is the Trinity Shopping Centre in Leeds and there are loads of people herding around. Open a drawer and inside is a person. It's an issue that was tackled by Channel 4's Utopia series, which was cancelled by the screws because it got too close to the truth.
Ghosts and That
You got a ghost. You try a load of rat poison and the ghost eats it but it falls right out her bottom. You blowtorch all your table tops and the ghost is still there, throwing your Muller Lights at the telly. Eventually, you have to call a priest and he says some words and makes her go inside a bottle that he throws into the sea. This is the ghost of Emmeline Pankhurst.
Empty Rooms
Nothing sets your hand wringing and brow leaking like a full room ready for a wild night of stand up comedy only to find all the seats empty. It's a terrifying prospect but luckily one that you can prevent from happening by clicking here.
You can download, print and laminate this new promotional shot for wipe-clean prosperity.
In the picture, I'm really riding a wave.
It was snapped by Angus Taylor and you can check out his other work, here.
Very wise for someone so ripped
Hip hop and swearing
Last week I sat in on The Late Breakfast with Sunil Patel and Masud Milas on Soho Radio.
For the show they asked me to do some star signs which I've recorded for this week's show. I made them this morning using Adobe Audition for the first time which, as software packages so, is not messing around.
Listen below!
"What does it smell like?"
Guys, I'm really excited to announce my new kickstarter project. As part of the Kilburn Literary Festival, you can buy tickets to 'How to Publish and Sell your Erotic fiction'. As my regular readers know, this is an area close to my heart and they've lapped up my mucky take on the Hunger Games meets the Ninja Turtles. I had to research the scene where a scan of UV light over Raphael's shell reveals his new lifestyle choice to Katniss.
The course is being held in a room lined with bin bags, facilitated by the world famous author of 'Downton, break the doors down' which set the eBook world alight in '11. As a thank you for supporting the arts, you'll be written into my next scene. It's set in a bus stop, well after the last service and things get pretty racy.
Not everyone who wants to donate will be able to be written into the actual bus shelter but if the demand is there they'll become observers, sat in the nearby car park having a fag and a coffee.
"around 70% of truckers are doing it"
You can donate here.
James Shakeshaft is a London-based comedian and, sadly, a thief. Here I call him out on his plagiarising ways.
Hairy boy!
'The Lads' on took our tour to Glasgow and Newcastle for our final gigs at The Stand. Last year my feedback was that my set was a bit too surreal which led me down some dead ends, in need of traditional punch lines. As a result, I covered male breast feeding, spirit animals and how magnesium reacts to heat and turns out the Glaswegian's are sick enough to like it. I've also been working on this idea where I launch the mic stand into the crowd and see if I can win them back but decided this wasn't the night.
Sunil Patel graduates my Comedy School
The train to Newcastle also gave me some good time to mentor Sunil on his set and I'm pleased to say he did really well that night. It took him a while but he said "thank you". To continue the trend, the gig was packed with people who were so nice I'd let them know my pin number.
"Tony Stark's middle-aged spread is threatening our margins. We need you, Amy!"
P.S. with some time to kill in Newcastle, we ordered a Spiced Pumpkin latte from Starbucks and rolled our carry cases into a screening of Gone Girl; a great new film from David Fincher. If you stay and give the Best Boy his dues, you can see a post-credits sequence where Samuel L. Jackson shows up to recruit Amazing Amy in the fight against Ultron in next year's Avenger's sequel.
P.P.S a Spiced Pumpkin latte starts badly but by the end of the cup it's killed your spirit, hope and joy so it seems alright.
The Brown Sound
It was a huge honour to be begged back onto The Late Breakfast on Soho Radio. If you're not familiar, comedy blokes Masus Milas and Sunil Patel pump out questionable hip hop and very strong opinions based on absolutely no research every Monday, 10am - 12noon. You can educate yourself and check it out here.
Sunil and I then bickered the 4 stops to Kings Cross where we boarded a steam train to Harry Potter World (aka, Edinburgh).
That's your lot, sling ye hook
This week we're performing at all 3 of The Stand Comedy clubs. We'll be taking this crazy show on to Glasgae and Noocarsill on Tuesday and Wednesday, then going back to the place where everybody knows our name and writes "do not book again" next to it on running orders.
Edinburgh was an absolute heap of fun with a big, warm hug of an audience. We both had good gigs and I saw nerves in a man who prides himself on having no emotions, looking at humanity from a purely quantum perspective. By that I mean Sunil titted about with the mic stand at the beginning.
"Line"
The first two 'Welcome to Tiddleminster' shows are in the bag and I am writing this looking from a deep post-gig depression.
As with last year's 'Halloween Horror Compendium' it was hugely beneficial to do it twice. On the second night you get to dump a ton of anxiety and have a better idea of what you're working with. I've already got a ton of tweaks and ideas to look into on the long road to Edinburgh.
As I've said, the ultimate aim for this show is for me to have an hour's worth of performance which, once seen, forever changes the chemical make-up of the brain leading to erratic, unpredictable and violent behaviour.
I'll keep this blog updated with gigs and all the things we're working on to make it like a Foxtons top salesman, i.e. slick. It was great to do the show to a sea of familiar, friendly faces. The downside of this is that I didn't need to print flyers and boosting Facebook posts to reach 5,000 people is a mug's game. You might as well be throwing your money in a canal which would probably attract more people.
Folks, we're in the final few days running up to Tiddleminster and to celebrate I've inked this picture of a topless cowboy riding a big blue bird. It's called 'Dreamscape' and my pager has been vibrating its way off my desk with offers to buy it from some really big brand names. You've probably got some of their merchandise in your flat right now, taking care of all your pest related issues.
Sponsored by Winsor & Newton
Just a reminder that you can still pick up your tickets via this trendy hyperlink.
Now leave me be, I've got a tiny little Tesco Metro to illustrate.
As you already know; a big chunk of what we do here at Christopher-Cantrill.com is generating intellectual property for sale. So can I get an opening bid (USD) for Tumor Dog? He needs a home folks.
What you gonna do with all those lumps?
It works off a USB charger...
This last week I've got to spend lots of time at the Edinburgh Festival with my friend Ben. He's up here working which seems to mainly consist of going to comedy shows, drinking and not sleeping much. I suspect that for the month of September he'll be operating from an iron lung.
I've now drank enough where I'm 'a bit sad' and have been prescribed a Lucosade and a Robinsons Fruit Shoot. It's either that or they'll take my foot.
"Must...Unionise" - The End?
So right now, I'm reviewing movies for cold, hard currency. This summer, if you know which app to press you can get tickets to see Dawn of the Planet of the Naughty Monkeys. If you've really made it, if your investment portfolio is swollen with wise chess moves then you can probably upgrade to the 'premium seats'; which used to be just called 'seats' but then the economy got rotten and the margin dropped out of the talky business.
This is the sequel to the 2011 movie Rise of the Planet of the Naughty Monkeys. All you need to know is that this time round the monkeys are even naughtier and even sexier. In one scene, a perfectly mo-capped bonobo finds a jewel encrusted thong in an old suitcase. He then uses sign language to tell the other monkeys that whatever they think, he won't ever take it off. And he doesn't - maybe it's a plot-line they'll develop for the next one. Maybe he'll wear a bra.
People have described it as "a triumph of human imagination". I just reckon it's some naughty, sexy monkeys doing what they do best, making us their slaves, getting us all hot and bothered by firing machine guns.
Yeah, I'm going to give it 5 outta 5 stars. Which is either great, or terrible depending on how you're using the scale. Read everything above this paragraph to figure out which one I mean.
These pictures are coming by an iPhone because my scanner is on the fritz. If anyone is good with this kind of stuff hit me up. Not too optimistic as I asked HP and they didn't have a clue; and they built the bleedin' thing.
Hey team. I've been booked to do the 8th and 14th of August at Christian Talbot's Cheaper Than Therapy show in Edinburgh. It's in association with the Scottish Association for Mental Health
When I was being booked I didn't know this but am 'proud'* as it's an issue close to my heart. As regular readers of this blog, you might have noticed that under my white-teeth, Hollywood, never paying for anything veneer - there are a few tics and idiosyncratic whirs that keep me going. That said, I am defo going to make some jokes about it.
The nights I'm doing have Lou Sanders and James Acaster so well worth checking out.
www.therapyshow.co.uk
Thanks for the stationary
As of Thursday 31st July I will be entering the employment market after several years of working harder than a 9/11 fireman.
I'm now sorting out my next steps in terms of paid employment and avoiding capture.
What I'm saying to you is that if you should need that special dash of instability and ripped abs on your project then I'm available for freelance work.
Drop me a line at my contacts page. Maybe I can make your dream a reality. That is if your dream is a scary, waking nightmare.
P.S. Did anyone catch The Dawn of the Planet of the Apes this week on Channel 4? Those naughty, sexy monkeys made for compelling viewing!
They say that the key to writing a great show is to first start with the poster. Stare at it long enough everything else will follow. On a related note - does anybody have an old doll's head I can cadge?
Coming soon...
My digital domain hasn't been updated for a while. Simply put; too much drama in my life. All y'all need to know is that business as (un)usual has resumed and I'm still Dre. I never stopped being Dre.
This weekend I've been on a stag do where I fired a gun for the first time, opening a dark doorway. A man also did a poo in his trousers and wasn't so much horrified as proud. A note to the ladies; if you let us off the leash for too long we will run wild and we will run deep.
One of the guys was telling me that there's a new 4G service they're trialling which will mean you don't need to fadge about with a phone line or any other type of hard wiring. You can also take it with you, plug it in wherever you want - tethering the internet to the individual.
Once the product guys get enough party powder in them to get their heads around the concept of someone having domain over a personal internet. They could make it look like an alien glob you have to take with you and keep it fed on digital energy to keep you entertained like a real life Tamogotchi.
I think that we'll get to the point where, at a certain age you'll have a big party to celebrate getting your own symbiotic internet connection. That's what I think, what do you think?
See you at the gathering of the Juggalos,
C-Daddy
I was lucky enough to sit in on Soho Radio's last edition of The Late Breakfast with DJ Sunil Patel and Crying Duck Comedy's Matthew Comras. Aside from Sunil talking all over the sparkling conversation with his posh little lisp, it was a whole heap of fun.
So, do something for you today and take a listen. Here's the link:
www.mixcloud.com/sohoradio/late-breakfast-with-masud-and-sunil-episode-9
Pear shaped Super-Predator
I sank £10 into watching the new Godzilla film this week. It has Bryan Cranston doing lots of research and Aaron Taylor-Johnson emitting microscopic levels of empathy.
There's also Ken Watanabe who spends most of the time looking like he's still in the deep-dream world from Inception.
Kenny W: "My grandfather's watch has stopped."
U.S. Army Sanctioned Moth Killer: "Yeah, alreet mate. Let's go and look at it in this room, yeah? There are cushions in it and a magazine."
Would I watch it again? Nah out of 10.
