I decided to check out my local branch of Holland & Barrett this week, on my miserable quest for some alternative stocking fillers.
If you haven't been yourself, it's like a version of Toys R Us but instead of toys it's little capsules full of talcum powder and promises they can't support with legally water tight claims.
I asked the lady behind the counter whether they had anything for what I've got. I showed her the sleeve of my cardigan and said I'd been wiping my nose with it long enough for it to be dry and crusty.
She didn't say anything but a little button under the cashier's desk sent a quiet message loud and clear to the Manchester Metropolitan Police and now I'm going to spend Christmas in an Iron Lung. They've said it's not iron, it's modern plastics - but I know...