Really 'Merica? Guns

Perennial sore thumb and Brit abroad Lee Jones keeps us updated with what’s afoot across the pond.

As a foreigner, the gun culture in America is strange. They view guns like us Europeans view forks - it's our right to own one, we can do what we want with it and Obama can't take them away from us. Imagine if you were just about to sit down to a fish supper and an episode of The Great British Sewing Bee and all of a sudden, just when you were about to dip a chip, Barack Hussein and his Nazi-Commie henchmen come crashing through your living room and take the fork right out of your hand. You'd be angry and you'd feel like your basic rights had been violated. It's your fork, dammit.

Well that's how Americans feel about guns. Except forks can at best, injure someone slightly. The sort of guns that one can get here can blow an elephant's dick off. You know the massive gun Jesse Ventura has in Predator that he uses to cut down a whole jungle in three seconds? I could buy one of them right now. Come on, let's go and get one. We can shoot at squirrels in the park.

See, the second amendment in the U.S. Constitution says you have the right to bear arms to defend yourself. So you can walk into a gun shop and buy a gun here. That's it. It's easier to buy a gun than a beer or a decent steak and ale pie. Then you're allowed to carry it around anywhere, even in a job centre or in a funeral home. As a fancy European with a penchant for soft cheese and a head full of socialist propaganda, this sounds crazy.

Then I got to shoot a gun at a shooting range, and my Frenchie world view went out the window.

It was like having an erection in your hand. But it's not your erection, it's the erection of Zeus. And you're going to shag everyone with it. And you will be king. It was amazing. I blasted the absolute shit out of those clay pigeons and all I could think was how much I needed a gun. I am not ashamed to say that I was aroused as flecks of clay and buckshot peppered my face.

Programmed to whinge

Programmed to whinge

What does this mean to you, Johnny Euro? Well it means you're missing out. While you're fighting terror with words and poems, over here we're doing it with big metal dicks. You're worrying about the price of ham while we're shooting pigs in the face. We're Keanu Reeves in the Matrix and you're Alan Titchmarsh. We're Schwarzenegger and you're Two Fat Ladies.

My message to you is that guns kill people. But they also make you feel like a real man. And loads of things kill people anyway - cigarettes, McMuffins, plaque - so why not legalise guns over there and have some fun for once in your shitty life?

America out.